Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
