How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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