Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
