the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
