when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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