I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
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