I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
