Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
