your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
