My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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