I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize
