ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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