Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
