I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
