so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Randomize
