where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
