How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
