you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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