my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
A+ Viking dick
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
