That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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