Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
