did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
