i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
