so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
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