Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
