I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
