I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
