My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
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