I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
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