do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
