last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
