I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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