im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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