I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
