my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Randomize
