You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
