Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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