ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
