i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
