Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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