I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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