Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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