Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
