i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
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