Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Randomize
