I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Randomize
