I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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