There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Randomize
