Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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