Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
