i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
