I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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