I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
