I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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